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Thanks for people who give kind advice. I know some people do not like mixed races, no matter chinese or foreigners. My situation is like this

本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛We have not dated for long. But he is much fun and attractive. His kids live with him sometimes (little kids) .

So I think if I keep going like this, I will really fall for him. I am towards finishing a degree program and looking for a job, and have some other things to do. So I am really busy at the moment.

If just for fun, he is certainly a good partner and friend. But if I really fall in love, that demands a lot of time and efforts to build the multicutrual relationship and get along with the kids and I have to sqeeze time from a already busy schedule. And I can imagine that I have to make a lot of compromises. Then If the relationship does not work out, I am doomed and by no means I want to get hurt so far away from home. In that case, I would rather end the relationship before too late and save myself some time.

He is attractive, kind and very active, not the shy type. So that is where I see danger.

I am serious about it. Sex is an important part of a successful relationship, but intimacy is more than just sex. Maybe I pay too much attention on physical attractions, but you have to admit this is the initial love connection between a couple. I know some people so not like it, but this is the way of the world and you have to accept it.

Anyways, thanks for your advice again.更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
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Replies, comments and Discussions:

  • 枫下佳缘 / 情爱悠悠 / will this relationship work out?
    Please do not be sarcastic and say bad things to me. I want some serious comments.

    I met this white guy. He is attactive (the type of classic good looks I like), fit, earthy and fun. He loves nature and animals and is living in a beautiful small town near toronto) He has a decent job, well educated. These are all things I like about him.

    He is single, but has kids! It is already very complicated to manage a relationship with someone from a different culture, plus his kids! It is ven more complicated.

    I can feel he is very interested in me. But I am not sure what he is looking for. I never think good looking white guys are trustful. They ususally do not make commitment.

    Should I cut off the relationship before getting too much involved with him? thanks for your kind advacie but no bull shit please.
    • 1。你若不信任他,无论是否是因为他英俊,就不要发展太深或不发展。 2。他若是同胞,你是否在乎他有孩子?若也不乎,就可以考虑。
    • you have to ask yourself whether you can accept an instant family
      because he has kids. This is very important. You can email me at lostandfound16@hotmail.com as I am in similar situation. Maybe we can chat a bit more.
      • could you translate "instant family" to chinese? Let 's learn English in real world.
    • is it even love? or just for doing sex?
      he very intrested in you, sorry , you should say, he very intrested on insert something in you, this , most close to the truth, what u need? love or sex? is sex is the onlything for love? is ur english as good as chinese?
      • Thanks god, you are not the model of all chinese men!
        • what do u mean
      • That is the point, if it is love, it has little to do with what languages I speak. Communication and love connection is much more than just language. My English is lat least much better than you so please shut up.
        • in ur case, i can be a good lover too, i can speak "oh", "yeah", "ah...", some thing like this professionally
          • Sorry, man, I really don't think you would be that good.
    • 在路上看到一个中国女人胯着white guy,心理总是不舒服,有点怪怪的感觉
      • 那些一般都是丑妞,你又不会想要。
        • 说的真是男人味十足, 敬仰!美女一定象蝴蝶似的在你周围。。。当然是希望她们 不是向你吐口水了:)
          • YES, this is some Chinese men: everybody has right to have a life equally, no matter they are beautiful or not, smart or not. PLease respect their lives
    • 喜欢就交往,然后直接问他在追求什么样的关系,不用绕着弯子自己猜。当然他的PERSONALITY什么样要自己品了。
      • 白痴也不会告诉你说他只想上你,当然会说爱你爱得要死,等你要结婚的时候,没门!!!
        • He does not say he loves me. He thinks we should get to know each other more. On contrary, some Chinese men said they love me thought they are already married (Sorry, but nothing to do with race)
        • 是吗,那洋人里这样的白痴真是不少,还是中国人聪明啊。除了流氓之外,洋人是找朋友,还是PARTNER还是结婚对象会说得比中国人清楚,别拿自己量别人
    • My advise for you.
      1, How old are his kids, and does he live with them? I assume there should be some baseline of your own when you consider a successful relationship?

      2, you didn't say how long you guys are seeing each other already, so I am not sure if him showing his interest in you means he gave (or will give ) commitment already. why don't you take time and build up a more solid relationship bwteen you two firstly.

      3, sounds he is a nice guy, so I assume he is aware you are from different culture (and background also?), and would always stand by you and help you to communicate with his kids better when situation comes?
      oh yeah, communicate ! communicate ! communicate ! :-))

      4, sometimes, it's easier to handle things by not puting too much complicated thoughts too early before the real time comes.

      5, good-looking guys are not necessarily untrustful or unfaithful, it's really depends on their personality and if they take their looks way too serious. lol. well...........

      Good luck!
      • Thanks a lot, you are a good person.
        • 嘻嘻.:-)
      • 我不同意你的看法,不过我知道,我左右不了中国女人的看法
        经常有人说,男人是下半身的动物,但是起码我自己,不仅仅是下半身满足了就觉得很幸福,就觉得这就是爱情

        我觉得,如果两个人不能从心灵深处有那种彻底的沟通和理解,就不能叫做深刻的纯洁的爱情

        如果语言沟通不能达到完全的母语的程度,我看不出来有什么其他方法

        如果有不同看法,请给我指出,我会按条批驳,让你体无完肤,再也没脸活下去,当然,也许绝大多数这么喜欢老外的女人,本来就没有脸
        • You can not represnt everybody. You don't know becasue you never really love anyone.
          • i never take sex more important then love
        • ha
        • 不大懂你这个“下半身的爱情”怎么会比喜欢洋人的女人更有脸
          • 从哪里得出的下半身爱情的论调?无耻
    • I believe
      a real good relationship is based on the common value (cultural, monetory, family-wise) the two parties hold, then with the appreciation and trust to each other, then with a mutual physical attraction.

      My very good westen friend (married) told me: you should stay in a relationship for happiness, you're not supposed to fight for the problem all the time, because problem will always be problem, no matter how many communications you have if you don't have a mutual understanding of the value each other is holding, which is an important factor for solid relationship. This is generally what western man think about no matter in inter-racial relationship or not.

      But if you only look for a companiagn, or you think you're a person easy to compromise, then don't think too much.

      My two cents, Good luck.
      • Thanks a lot. you are also vey nice:)
      • 文化,你们会有共同的文化吗?一句话,加拿大人要纪念在侵略朝鲜战场上死亡的人,中国人要纪念抗美援朝保家卫国的战斗中牺牲的英雄,你,和那个白人,你们怎么纪念?不热爱自己的祖国的人,永远也不配做人
        • This is totally non sense and stupid. We are just ordinary people, what does our relationship have to do with Korean War? And being with a white guy does not mean I do not love my country.
          • 日本人怎么当年不杀掉你爷爷奶奶
            • Be a man please and show your repect. If you take pride of being a Chinese, you should respect senior people. This is just too mean for you to say this.
              • 我尊重人,连自己国家都不爱的人,不配做人
                • OK, so if you think I do not love my country because I am with a white guy, do my grandparents make you upset? Why did you say that to them?
                  • 别昧良心说话,看看你这条x刚才放的
                    This is totally non sense and stupid. We are just ordinary people, what does our relationship have to do with Korean War? And being with a white guy does not mean I do not love my country
                    • yes, this is what I said, so what? I did not mention my grandparents at all.
                      • 你这样的xx,就不配活着,起码你不应该出生在中国,所以,为了杜绝你出现,就只好让日本人杀死你祖父母
                        • You are desperate, I know, hehe, ok, I would not play you any more, it is not worth my while. Anyways, Wish you good luck in Canada (Why are you doing herem shouldn't you make some contributions in China?) lol
                        • 喂喂!好青蛙!干吗这么义愤填膺?人家MM愿意选择,你干吗打击人家?
    • Thanks for people who give kind advice. I know some people do not like mixed races, no matter chinese or foreigners. My situation is like this
      本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛We have not dated for long. But he is much fun and attractive. His kids live with him sometimes (little kids) .

      So I think if I keep going like this, I will really fall for him. I am towards finishing a degree program and looking for a job, and have some other things to do. So I am really busy at the moment.

      If just for fun, he is certainly a good partner and friend. But if I really fall in love, that demands a lot of time and efforts to build the multicutrual relationship and get along with the kids and I have to sqeeze time from a already busy schedule. And I can imagine that I have to make a lot of compromises. Then If the relationship does not work out, I am doomed and by no means I want to get hurt so far away from home. In that case, I would rather end the relationship before too late and save myself some time.

      He is attractive, kind and very active, not the shy type. So that is where I see danger.

      I am serious about it. Sex is an important part of a successful relationship, but intimacy is more than just sex. Maybe I pay too much attention on physical attractions, but you have to admit this is the initial love connection between a couple. I know some people so not like it, but this is the way of the world and you have to accept it.

      Anyways, thanks for your advice again.更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
      • As long as you know what you gonna do............that's cool .:-))
      • Well said. Wish you luck:-)
        • oh, BTW, don't treate the "good-looking, fun-loving" as a bad attribute, my friend is also this type of guy, but once he found his wife who is not that good-looking and extrovert, he became a family man.
          Marriage is a miracle!
          • is his wife Chinese?
            • hehe, I don't know if i should call her "Chinese" or not, she's a "banana" type, a Chinese raised in England.
          • Damn it! I am also good looking .fun -loving.But I can only marry once! :((
      • your replies are very encouraging
      • steady!!!1.Does he want to marry you? No? then you should not take it too serious. Take if easy and relax. Yes? then you should think about it, He is a good man but
        not a wonderful man becausehe has two kids. it is not easy for him to find a right woman .He has to give lots money every month to his ex-wife for raising kids and his wife too probably.

        General speaking, white guys are attractive , good-looking, romantic and a good lover. I do not blame you. you won't get hurt if you think life is a journey. Steady! Steady! Steady!
        • We just started and have not gone that further to marriage. He is never married, just has kids and the kids live with him sometimes. If he is just giving money to his kids, I don't mind at all.
          I definitely believe that I can get a job and be financially independent and buy myself whatever I want. No matter I am with a white guy or Chinese guy, I will make sure of my independence. And I think it is his duty to raise his kids. He loves his kids a lot, which I see as a kind heart, and value a lot.

          What worries me is I may not be able to get along with his kids. I am never married, and have no experiences with kids at all, and they are white kids! This is a pretty daunting task for me. And by no means I want to be a step mother. I mean the kids have their mother, I should not play a mother role. But what would they think when thier father is with a woman other than their mother and their parents were actually never married? Even if they are too little to think that now, they will when they grow up.

          Well, anyways, it may be too early to think all this. Maybe just go on for a while and see what happens!
          • If he has two kids and live part-time, he will meet them every weekend. This bothers you. and you worry about if you can get along each other. true! But if you cann't find a wonderful single man,
            you have to accept it. My advise: keep dating with him for several months , then you learn from your experience and know what you want.
    • The worry is that Chinese usually can't read white guy's mind correctly. It might not be easier to know his next step, so you might be surprised or shocked often.
      Chinese mind, however, is also hard to read sometimes. Fate can hardly be predicated either.

      The risk is that once having that kind of relationship with white guys, you can never be accepted by Chinese guys any more. Chance is that you might be still be accepted by guys other than Chinese.

      I hope I am wrong. What do you think?
      • This is also one of my worries. I mean I can perfectly understand that a Chinese man do not like to see a Chinese girl with a white guy (or whatever other races)
        But it is still a bit narrow-minded. People should look at present and future, instead of past. Sometimes I just think, isn't being a Chinese too burdensome? too many constraints. When can we relax and just have some fun?

        But I grow up in Chinese culture, and feel comfortable with my Chinese fellows. I love the culture and it is always my root, the place I call home and spend almost 30 years, the best time in my life. Nothing can change that. Why people have to think I betray it just because I am with a white guy? I do not.
        • 为什么你要孤注一掷,为什么你要全身心投入。为什么你要期望那么多,为什么你要说服自己是完全出于love。你只要相信他是sexsiouly appeal to you,你只要相信你和他在一起
          本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛能更快地克服语言障碍,你只要相信他是你出国的绮丽梦想中曾有过的晕彩。我不想带着民族主义的眼光去看这个问题,但我不相信有什么爱情可以代替沟通,也不相信有什么沟通比语言与文化的差异更难消除。新鲜感代替不了生活的朴素平实的真谛。也许这就是中国的女人比男人更爱出国的原因。有一次在脱衣舞里,一位极其漂亮的blonde(她说她上过playboy的封面,我相信。)问我:do you like Chinese girls? 我说是,可是她却问我为什么她问很多其他的Chinese guys,他们却都回答说:NO。其实每当我想起在上海念大学时经常看到的黑人留学生身边经常换着非常漂亮的中国女生时,我也很想说NO,但是我却回答她说,大概男人都是比较喜欢新鲜的东西。其实我觉得当我看到一个Pretty Chinese girl with other race guy 的时候,我并不觉得气短,我总是安慰自己,因为在一个romance里面,男人是占主导地位的,而如果一个占主导地位的人却有语言沟通的障碍时,这个任务对他来说就真的是一个几乎无法完成的任务了。所以我知道,只要我没有语言的障碍,我也可以去泡洋妞,这没啥。因为我相信,对一个男人来说,智慧才是最有着深远的魅力的。看来这辈子是没有办法用英语来show off自己的魅力了,只希望我们的JJMM们能够多结识一些西方朋友,以弘扬我们博大精深的中华文化了。更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
          • Thanks a lot. You are the only Chinese guy (at least in here) who shows understanding. And I want to let you know that I do value someone's brain more than appearance. Just looks are part of the whole package
            • So what?I love Miss from all over the worldl ! But they don't love me!
            • 其实我的看法是并不看好这种mix-race relationship。当然,有的人喜欢生活在他熟悉的环境里,而有的人喜欢探索未知,喜欢冒险,这就纯属个人喜好了。只是喜欢冒险的人要有付出更多代价的心理准备。
              • I also know it is very difficult and also want to live in a chinese culture. But I can not find the one. OR I thought I have found, but I didn't. Anyways, no pain no gain. This is all about how you balance all things
                • So u've made up ur mind, right? but I know an unfairness in this matter. when u're facing a white guy, u're thinking of comprimising, but when u're facing a Chinese guy, u'll never comprise, right?
                  So, it is all out of ur own judgement, and don't bother to ask someone else to bolster ur own opinion. So just do it in a way u like, but don't regret. one more thing I want to remind u is did u ever ask this guy why he didn't get marry and had two kids(not only one, I think it is important to some extent)?
                  • How do you know I will not make compromises with Chinese guy? As long as I love him, no matter he is white, asian or black, I will make compromises because I think he deserves it
                    本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛And it is also important that he loves me in the same way and will also make compromises. so the relationship is balanced. I think you are really kind to remind me asking him the questions. I know I should know the answers to that questions, those are very important. But I do not think we go that far. Basically now we are just having some fun. I can kick my feet up with him and he will entertain me.

                    I just think if it keeps going like this, I will really love him, which will be very complicated. culture, kids. But I will look to the present and future of a person, not past. We all made mistakes when we were young. It is important to know our partner's past so that we can avoid the same problem, but we can not make judgement based on that. Please do not misinterpret it again, it has nothing to do with races, I will treat people the same. We are all human.

                    I just want a man that is a whole package: kind, intelligent, fun, fit and attractive (to me), no matther he is white or Chinese. and I am the same to him.更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
                    • Don't retort against me that quick. I am talking about something in the unconcious mind.
                      It is nothing to do with race. and another saying for u: people often tumble at the same place twice. what I means is: knowledge can be forgotten ,but skills can't. Naive can becomes mature, but something like responsibility is cultured when someone is very young. but anyway, it is just a debate, u can do whatever u like, right?
                      • YES, sometimes it is a person's personality if he is responsible or not. And people can never change their personalities.
                        Well, thanks for reminding me. I think I will observe that. That is very important. And I do think Chinese men are genrally more resposible than white guys, expecially those good looking ones. OF course there are rotten apples everywhere. That is why I said earlier that I do not trust him.
                        But anyway, being with him I can have some fun, improve my English, right? Maybe just take some advantage, and then see where it goes. I am just afraid that I get out too late if the relationship does not work out. That is why I put this post here.
                        • so we're coming back to the scratch, because I get ur point at the beginning. Good luck.
                          • Well, maybe your are right, as I said, this is the initial connection as we just started. BUT IT IS NOT A SHAME, RIGHT?
                        • 嗯,话说到这儿,你心里似乎已经有谱了。再想一想一个事实,
                          中国男人一般不会接受一个曾经与洋人有过那种关系的女人。不是存有偏见,而是在于中国男人自身的那个能力。与其每天面对你的时候让自己没有信心,不如就保持距离。

                          你能跟他长久最好,否则,恐怕你在华人中是再找不到了。能承受得起吗?

                          还有,具备你说的那么好条件的男人本来就不多,再加上真心爱你,你真心爱他。越是理所当然的东西,在现实中越是虚无飘渺,难寻。

                          异族通婚不是不好,是你的那个太让人替你的未来担忧。
                          • THANK YOU SO MUCH. You just said what I wanted to say. If something is too good, most probably it will not be true.
                            That is what I am worring about and why I say I do not trust him. And I certainly do not want to be excluded by all Chinese men, people from my homeland!

                            I really need to think about it carfully
                            • It's not the end of the world. 我又帮你想了个利好因素。
                              他既然习惯于未婚生子,何况你们要是有了爱情,有结晶也是天经地义的。

                              没有多少真爱不被锅碗瓢盆磨去光彩。绚丽了的是孩子们的脸。既然看到了这一点,就敢敢跟他生几个孩子,一辈子也值了。何况在加拿大,养几个孩子绝对不用发愁。你整不来,我帮你养,孩子多招人喜欢呐!何况是金发碧眼儿的。
                              • Are you encouraging me to be with him, or against it? hehe, I definitely do not want to have kids without marriage. In this point, I am very traditional. I want my kids have a happy and complete family!
                                • 起这么早?
                                  • Hehe, you too. GOOD MORNING. I try to have a healthy lifestyle, that is how to keep in shape both physically and mentally
                                • #1761367
        • Don't need to worry about what Chinese think. Think about your life. If you cann't find a ideal Chinese guy in your parst 30 years and have to come here to try another way,
          it's mean you are not suit to Chinese guys or they don't suit to you. We all curious about west cultrual and Chinese woman curious about white guys. Nothing wrong with that. Sorry chinese man most your wife have the same idea. Ok! I shup up.
    • 很多不是你想就行的。爱情来了,不想也来。它要走,不想也得走。帮你做了个调查,看看家庭生活最后剩下什么。
      • WHERE IS IT? And I know what's family life. Though I am never married, but I grew up in a family, not in a orphanage
        • URL
          • Thanks. But there are too many negative points. aren't there a lot of good things in marriage, like love, warmth and support? Like someone leaves the light on when you come back late and cook for you?
            Like hugging you when you are down and giving you a massage when you are tired?
            Like one washes disches in the kitchen and the other stand by and chat casually?
            Like cuddling up on safa in front of TV?
            Like holding hands and walking a long a trail or beach?
            Like seeing your kids grow up happily, though also going through the frown up pains and thanking you for all you have done?
            Like waking up in a sunny morning and seeing each other in bed and smiling to each other?
            Like having a kid that looks both like you and her?
            Like panning your future together and knowing there will always someone there for you in the future?
            Like having a drink and dancing to the music, seeing each other's eyes and saying I LOVE YOU?
            and so many more.......
            • I can see you are in love with him
              My personel opinion. I had two foreign boy friends and many foreign male friends and we talked about everything in the life.
              1. Foreigners are more romantic than Chinese guys. Most of them are reliable. But the thing is they have different ideas about love. They are looking for "happiness", not for "eternity". Of course everybody is hoping there is happiness for ever.
              2. Nobody can control the future, if you feel happy with him, you should listen to your heart and go for him. Today is more important than tomorrow.
              3. In your case, I can see the culture shock between you guys. You'd better take it easy. Don't be serious. Otherwise you gonna lose this game.
              But good luck.
              • 是的,只有一点,现在不少中国GG也是找快乐,不是找永远了,行为标准在和老外看齐,很开放,一夜情,同居,学得也很快.矛盾的是,在思想上还是很封建的,比如要求女人要纯洁(不管他自己曾交过几个女友,呵呵).也就是说,对人对己是用双重标准的.
                • more than agree
              • not really in love, but as you said, just for fun and see if we are really happy together. Thanks a lot
                • I have the same situation (may be more trouble) with u, u can email me: aliceywl@hotmail.com
    • 你个中国妞找一个中国男朋友将来都不一定能百分百幸福,你去找个洋人无异于把麻绳往自己脖子上套, 人生大事玩笑不得. 我奇怪在加拿大受过极好教育的单身男移民一大把,素质比老外高的多,真正能过日子的你不找.找老外将来去自作自受吗?
      • 我不是保守,只是实话实说,差异太大,风险太高,玩不得.除非你是一个玩世不恭的人.你别看这里有一些文章说找到老外老公如何好,我相信其背后的苦处难以说清. 呵呵,当然一个愿打,一个愿挨,大家只好看热闹了